No ... No I am not.

I've just spent the last month, with everyone else that recently graduated from the Education program (into a recession and a new-teacher saturated Lower Mainland) trying to figure out the next step.

Some were fortunate and found full time work in the Lower Mainland. Others left for work overseas and made the first blog and photo posts "I love it here!" "I'm never coming home!". The cynic inside me saying, "Wait until Christmas... "

 I am supposed to be among the optimistic expats in Singapore. However, over the last 6 months life has changed. I was offered a fantastic opportunity to work with a friend on our own school project, something I have alway wanted to do. Starting a business with someone motivated, optimistic and talented is something that doesn't come along all that often. 1 in 10 businesses fail their first year and, well, we just might...

After getting over the "I need to be fully occupied all the time" mountain to the slower "enjoy each day" valley, I've become more self reflective. The last month has been full of challenges, but I've found fulfilling things to keep myself busy, and due to the limited budget, these activities are mostly free. I want to high five the other people walking their dogs at 1 p.m. in their pajama pants, what is their story? Although I do get bored, and apply for part time jobs to supplement my income incessantly, I am also appreciating afternoons literally stopping to smell the flowers.

There are so many people unemployed that in any other time or place would never be unemployed. I don't know anyone making a lot of money ... some money, but not a lot. We go to peoples houses for BBQ's more. We go to the library. We fixate on our pets (because we can't afford to go out). More people I know live with their families, probably more than 5 years ago (when I was 5 years younger). There is less stigma about that kind of thing now, also about working a menial job - the mindset is, at least you have a job.

If I went away it would be a great opportunity to teach and get out of debt. I would definitely have better clothes and better vacations. I would not have to worry about occupying my time or budgeting for free time.

But,  I would not get to teach how and what I wanted. I'd be away from the people I love more than anything, again. I wouldn't get to be a daughter,sister, girlfriend or friend in the way I am now. I couldn't come home for dinner and harass my parents, understand the inside jokes with my friends or complain about the rain - and I love to complain about the rain.

I'm Going

The papers are waiting to be signed, the planning for the next transition in 6 months is underway. Going home was a moderate success - although I would love to find full time employment - now the trick is to make a home.

I'm committing myself to making a home in Singapore. I want to take full advantage of every opportunity available from my new job, I also want to take full advantage of every travel opportunity available from that vantage point. My dad is healthy, my mom is busy and my brother will be returning from Korea to make another switch a month before it's time for me to go. 

What Now?

I recently posted an article to my Facebook page about a Turkish airlines flight headed from somewhere in Germany to Istanbul - there was an attempted hijacking, but it was foiled by the passengers on the plane. When the police in Istanbul got to the airplane, people had restrained the hijacker.

I pictured the tsk, tsk'ing, another friend from Turkey (now stateside as well) commented on the BU NE YA! which would have also followed, another friend (still in Ankara) commented that she couldn't get across how much she appreciates the power of Turkish shame mongering to her co - workers. We were all thinking essentially the same thing.

The kinds of connections you build with the people you spend time with overseas are unique and unlike any relationship you will probably have at home. On one hand, you have a lot in common because you've all decided, for whatever reason, to live abroad. On the other hand, those reasons separate those that are hiding from something at home, want to see the world, are searching for career opportunities, or don't know what else to do. Still, you build a new version of home. You create new holidays. You become like family, you take care of each other. Then ultimately you leave.

Before I left Turkey my mantra was "Go home or make a home". Living a rootless existence doesn't make (in my opinion) for a balanced life. I think humans crave security and a little bit of consistency, which doesn't work if you are moving every 2 -5 years and only see your friends and family (wherever they are in the world) on short intervals in between. You become very good at making friends, but keeping close friends is a little trickier. Time differences and changes in lifestyle are difficult hurdles when it's no longer as easy as meeting up after work for a drink at the only bar in the neighbourhood.

I look back now and miss some things. I miss my friends and I miss our lifestyle. As happy as I was to be with my family on Christmas, it was strange to have everything we needed readily available (from turkeys to appropriate wrapping paper). Christmas was a bigger production this year, it wasn't as simple as the 12 Beers of Christmas on Christmas Eve and who'll bring what and help me carry chairs on Christmas Day.

Back to the present.

I believe I've proven to myself that I can cut it in Canada. I love spending time with my family. I've made amazing new friends and been fortunate to have had such great friends here along the way to begin with. I can take the bus downtown, I can have any kind of cuisine I want, I can walk safely through my neighbourhood at night. I can go skiing, I can drink cappuccinos, I can walk Bo (the dog).

I love Vancouver. There are no teaching jobs here. There are teaching jobs in Singapore, there are teaching jobs rurally. The decision I make now - which will apply to "Go home or make a home" will be a committed venture. 

So what's next?

The Wrap Up

I am home stateside. It's been a long and exhausting couple of weeks but now, while there is still A LOT to do, I can relax and wait for school to start.

Last Favorite Memories of my Former Home:

Ring Bus Driver

Our campus is large enough that it needs a bus to connect East with Middle and Main campuses. One night the driver stopped in front of one of the apartment buildings, got out, picked some cherries (?) and handed them out to the four or so people on the bus. They were delicious.

Benek, Wonder Dog

On one of my last evenings in my apartment, Benek the wonder dog, decided to escape from her own apartment and come upstairs, knocking (scratching) at my door. It was 2 a.m. but I guess she just wanted a change of scenery. She hopped into bed and went to sleep. When she woke up at the crack of dawn to go outside I pushed her back into her own apartment. Which confused her owner immensely. She hadn't heard her dog escape, only the door closing at 5 a.m. and Benek looking at her from the living room.

New Favorite Memories : Home - Home

Mom

She acquired an Ipod touch this year. She reads out the "newsfeed"from her facebook app like real news at least once a day in the living room.

She also tells me I can't act like a foreigner anymore. There are rules here. Rules I need to follow.

English

I can negotiate for a cell phone here. I can read street signs, magazines, watch commercials ...

Least Favorite


Tummy

The notorious Turkish tummy works in reverse. After another year of doner kebap and biti, deep frying and bread, bread, bread, I am in pain from cheese sandwiches and organic oatmeal.

My Students

Today I had to get a criminal record check for Turkey. For whatever reason, the HR person that helps me on these errands seems to believe that most professional offices employ people that speak English. To her surprise I have reported back that neither the bank, nor the Department of Justice has "inglizce insanlar" a good working knowledge of English...But then again where is my Turkish, anyway? (I don't think that "inglizce insanlar" works for people that know English, anyway)

Luckily today I ran into two students, students that failed my course and were at prep school. They helped me find the Department of Justice (well, asked for directions) negotiated AT the Department of Justice, and paid for my English translation (5 TL). I'm not sure why my student paid but he ran off soon after and refused to take my money.

They also told me in their awesome (but still broken - they did fail) English that I should learn Turkish. The student that stuck around took me for coffee and after finding out how much I paid for Turkish school, and how much I make as a teacher, decided that she should have taught me Turkish. She then asked me to write a letter in English about her and all the motivational slogans I know in English (thank you Lululemon aluminum water bottles).

She wants to go to Canada (maybe) I want to go home (maybe). My dad was sick this year and it was difficult. Something is wrong in her family, but I'm not sure she has the language or wants to talk about it. We agreed "all people have problems". I taught her the word "thumb" she taught me how to say "don't touch". I think she has a learning disability and I am not sure how she'll raise her level of written English to a university level. I don't know how to tell someone this. I'm better off teaching body parts and motivational quotes.

The Dinosaur Bone

My friend has become very involved with animal welfare over here. She came into contact with a group called Lets Adopt and, via this group, with some community members fostering sick, injured and abandoned stray animals. For the past year she has fostered cats, but lately has expanded into taking in dogs. Benek 1 (Turkish for Spot) went to live in Germany about a month ago with her new family. Benek 2, Benek 1's replacement, was hit by a car in her recent past and her broken leg was never fixed properly. She walks mostly on her three good legs and can run, but her bad leg eventually trips her up.

The addition of Benek 2 into the community has also resulted in my friend making a lot of new friends. Young children, for whatever reason, are drawn to this dog. You cannot take her out without being followed by 2 or 3 of the local kids. Benek is incredibly tame and patient with the poking, prodding and dragging around by teams of 6 - 8 year olds.

A special attachment has been fostered with one of the little boys in our building, he's an only child and about 6. He has become the president of the Benek fan club. He goes over to my friends place every day at 5 for the evening walk. If she cannot take Benek out, he waits. A phone call yesterday about what to do when the 6 year old in your house has extended his welcome was an issue few 25 year olds deal with on a regular basis. "You're 25, he is 6"... "yes" ... "tell him to go home?" ... "nicely?"

The point of this story, aside from trying to remember this stuff before moving back to less communally minded Canada, was the gigantic bone in front of our house.

Benek loves bones. I think it must be part of the stray in her, because she loves garbage, especially bones. She fixates on her "treasure" unlike any dog I've met in Canada (because Canadian dogs have never seen  a cold and hungry night or met a nasty person ... for the most part). She eats the bones, they make her sick, she eats grass, she pukes. It's a nasty vicious cycle. If we keep her away from the bones she lies down and throws a temper tantrum - tantrum being she refuses to move and has to be picked up.

This problem has been amplified by the appearance of a gigantic bone in front of our house. Our 6 year old friend insists that it came from space and is a dinosaur bone. It looks like a cow bone. But how did a cow bone end up in the middle of a compound in the middle of a university?

Letting it all go

Yesterday we started the final process of moving out of this place. Yard Sale Time !

Here there are early birds, like any yard sale at home, except there is a language and cultural barrier (although I think there exists a "language and cultural" barrier anywhere between those that frequent yard sales and those that do not) between those that speak Turkish and those that do not, and those that have spent their lives bargaining and haggling and those that have not.

It's hard watching all of the nice things you've purchased for yourself perused, watching a woman decide that the lamps your boyfriend sweetly bought for you when he started staying over on a regular basis (so you could both read your books in adequate light) were only worth 8 TL (for both) from the asking price of 10 TL. That's about $2.50 CND.

The pillows I bought from another person leaving last year, which I never bought cases for and went unused - I got my asking price for those.

The blanket I bought when I moved into my apartment and had no bedding, which was purchased on one of my first tentative trips into the city, went to a friend.

The computer bag I got from my boss when I left my job in Vancouver went to Amy, who is staying, and could use a good bag. I didn't want to take her money, but she insisted.

The hammock I couldn't find a tree for, and had waited to purchase since childhood was worth more than 15 TL, but less than the hassle it would to take home.

The same woman that wouldn't pay 10 TL for my lamps also asked to use my bathroom. I let her. She said God Bless You something like 4 times. I'd rather have the 2 TL, thanks.

Selling and getting rid of things is supposed to be cathartic. In the end I am happy to have some extra cash but I would rather have given my things to a good home.  Yes, it's only stuff, but I would like to imagine my things being used and appreciated by friends, even just people I liked. I don't want my lamps in some cheap persons house.

When you are far from home everything you put into your house usually has a story attached. It's not just pillows, a lamp or a mop. It was a taxi ride, a conversation, a search to find the things you needed.